Changes
by Bada-Bing
Summary: Who will Rachel say "I do" to? Will Monica & Chandler have a child? R+R... and enjoy!
1. The One With SECURITY!

The One After Rachel Says Yes  
  
Previously on Friends... (cut to last season)  
  
Rachel: I'm just saying that y'know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and.he's gonna have his own life. Right?  
  
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?  
  
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me.you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that's not gonna happen.  
  
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you? (They hug.)  
  
Joey: You don't have to worry about that okay? (Pause)  
  
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They're right on that chair under Ross's coat.  
  
Joey: Sure.  
  
Rachel: Okay.  
  
(He moves Ross's coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.)  
  
Joey: My God.  
  
Rachel: Joey.  
  
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)  
  
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.  
  
(Joey is stunned.)  
  
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.]  
  
[Fade to black.] [Still in the hospital (Rachel's room), Joey is on his knee comprehending what Rachel has just said. His face looks as if he's dividing 136 by 13]  
  
Joey: What?  
  
Rachel: Okay. I'll be your wife.  
  
Joey: Huh?  
  
Rachel: (getting upset) What? Was this some kinda sick joke? How could you do this to a new mother?  
  
Joey: No, that's not at all what it is.  
  
Rachel: (getting out of bed) Fine. Then I'll take you as my husband. (goes to Joey and takes the ring, putting it on her finger & glaring at it) Oh, this is so beautiful. (kisses Joey passionately, just as Ross walks in)  
  
Opening Credits  
  
[Still in Rachel's room]  
  
Ross: [startled] Rachel! (Rachel stops kissing Joey) I guess I'll just leave you two alone. (leaves... then comes back in). Hold on! Woah... what... what's going on here?  
  
Rachel: I'm getting married! I'm getting married! (Joey looks embarrassed)  
  
Ross: Huh?  
  
Rachel: Joey's gonna marry me. I won't have to be alone when you're out with the missus.  
  
Ross: What missus? Huh? What am I not getting here?  
  
Joey: Ross - I...  
  
Ross: Forget it, I'm outa here. (Throws the lilies on the floor and leaves)  
  
[Hospital waiting room. Ross is sitting in a chair with his head in his lap while Chandler and Monica come his way. Chandler is doing his happy dance]  
  
Monica: Chandler, I told you to cut that out.  
  
Chandler: Yes, mom... eh, uh... Mon... [stops, and is slapped by Monica]  
  
Monica: (sees Ross) Ross? What's the matter?  
  
(Ross raises his head, and his eyes are tearstained)  
  
Ross: I hate Phoebe.  
  
Chandler: What did she ever do to you?  
  
Ross: She... she...  
  
Chandler: T't'today junior!  
  
Ross: She told me to go after Rachel!  
  
Chandler: And that's a bad thing?  
  
Monica: C'mon, Ross. You've wanted her since like ninth grade! And I mean, she wanted to marry you last year. And now, with Emma and everything... why not?  
  
Ross: Because... she... she [breaks down in tears]  
  
Chandler: Became a lesbian?  
  
Ross: Her and Joey... her and Joey... [breaks down]  
  
Chandler: her and Joey what?  
  
Ross: Are engaged! [Monica and Chandler are shocked]  
  
Monica: Are what?  
  
Ross: Yeah. I know.  
  
Chandler: I sure didn't see that coming.  
  
Monica: Since when?  
  
Ross: I dunno. I was just going to her room... I was about to propose... and then, like, she was kissing him! And she said they're getting married.  
  
Chandler: Well, they won't be married long when he finds out that "we were on a break" does not work well with her. [Ross glares at him]. Oh wait, you said that. Oops.  
  
Monica: Chandler... [gives him the look of death] Ross... look, I'm sure it's not what you think. I mean, Rachel rejected Joey... it must be all the painkillers... we'll go talk to him and work it all out.  
  
Chandler: And if not, at least you were spared from a possible fourth divorce! [Commercial Break]  
  
[Cafeteria. Phoebe and Joey are sitting down, eating jello]  
  
Joey: ...and then she thought I was asking her to marry me. And she said yes...  
  
Phoebe: Jo- you're in deep doo doo.  
  
Joey: And, I mean, she's like the perfect woman. I don't know what to do.  
  
Phoebe: Well, whatever you do, don't tell Ross about it.  
  
Joey: He already knows.  
  
Phoebe: (shocked) He what?  
  
Joey: He walked in on Rachel... (puts down his head in shame) kissing me.  
  
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God!  
  
Joey: I know.  
  
[Chandler and Monica enter]  
  
Monica: You've got a lot of explaining to do, mister.  
  
Joey: Look, guys, I don't know what to do  
  
Phoebe: It's okay, you guys. Joey explained it all, and it was a big mistake. He used Ross' ring.  
  
Monica: You what? (slaps the back of Joey's head) You used my dead grandma's engagement ring?  
  
(Joey nods his head guiltfully)  
  
Phoebe: But he didn't mean to propose. It's just a big misunderstanding.  
  
Monica: Well, tell that to Ross. I haven't seen him like this since Carol left him.  
  
Joey: Okay. But I'm telling you, I don't think I can.  
  
Chandler: Oh c'mon. It's easy. Just tell her the truth.  
  
Joey: Fine. But, you'll be there for me, right?  
  
Chandler: Err... [Commercial break]  
  
[Hospital waiting room. Ross is still in one of the chairs, sobbing his eyes out, while telling his story to some kid with an ice pack on his arm]  
  
Ross: ... and she was making out with my friend! Or should I say ex- friend...  
  
[Monica, Chandler and Joey enter... not seeing Ross... and walk up to receptionist]  
  
Chandler: Hey, we've come to see Rachel Green, Maternity ward, room 232...  
  
Receptionist: And you are?  
  
Chandler: Chandler Bing... um... Rachel's friend.  
  
Receptionist: I'm sorry, only family members and spouses can visit at this time.  
  
Monica: Well... she's my sister!  
  
Chandler: No she's... [Monica shoots him a look]... she's your TWIN sister. Fraternal, of course.  
  
Receptionist: Okay. [To Joey] And you are?  
  
Joey: Her fiance.  
  
Receptionist: You're... you're Dr. Drake Remoray!  
  
Joey: Actually, I'm Joey Tribbiani. I mean, yeah...  
  
Receptionist: Oh my! That Rachel girl is one lucky lady! Come right in.  
  
[Monica and Joey pass through waiting room, just as Ross looks up]  
  
Ross: What?!? What?!?  
  
Chandler: Ross?!? You're still here? You've been in that seat for what? [looks at his watch, dejectedly] Fourty-seven minutes.  
  
Ross: Why is Joey going to Rachel's room. Y'know... I don't want to know. I gotta get out of here.  
  
Chandler: It's not what you think! Joey's just going to go talk to Rachel and sort everything out.  
  
Ross: Then why did he just say he's her fiance?  
  
Chandler: Well, he is. Ross: Okay, well, I'm going to her room too... [gets up] I'm going to propose as soon as he breaks his engagement.  
  
Chandler: That doesn't sound to smooth...  
  
Ross: And this is coming from Mr. "Man with a Plan"? [walks over to receptionist] Hi. I'm here to see Rachel Green.  
  
Receptionist: And who are you?  
  
Ross: I'm Ross Geller, father of the baby.  
  
Receptionist: And I'm Marilyn Monroe. I'm sorry, but Joey Tribbiani just came up... he's her fiance y'know. Boy, do I wish I was a Tribbiani.  
  
Ross: Well... guess what? You can be in, say, about... half an hour and he'll be back up for grabs. But let me through.  
  
Receptionist: No. You can't be the father. Tribbiani is.  
  
Ross: No, I am. Look at the baby's name... Emma Geller-Green?  
  
Receptionist: Y'know... some celebrities give pen names.  
  
Ross: [breaking through the entrance] Forget it... I'll go there myself.  
  
Receptionist: SECURITY!  
  
[Security guard walks up to Ross, who feebly attempts to dodge the guard, and is put in handcuffs.]  
  
Chandler: This is worse than a soap opera.  
  
[Commercial break]  
  
[Rachel's hospital room. Joey and Monica enter.]  
  
Joey: Rachel... Rachel... I really have to talk to you.  
  
Rachel: You have all your life to talk to me, honey.  
  
Joey: No, this is important.  
  
Rachel: What is?  
  
Joey: [sitting in a chair by her bedside] Okay, how do I start. Monica: How about that she's wearing MY grandmother's engagement ring?  
  
Rachel: Huh?  
  
Joey: Ok, look. That ring... it's Monica's grandmother's...  
  
Rachel: And...  
  
Joey: When I proposed to you... I didn't mean... I didn't intend on it...  
  
Rachel: It was a surprise.  
  
Joey: I can't marry you.  
  
Rachel: What are you talking about? You told me that you fell in love with me. Remember? What is it? Now that I have a baby?  
  
Joey: I do love you. It's just that, well, that ring was supposed to be for you... it's just that it was Ross that was going to ask you to marry him. Not me.  
  
Rachel: I think you guys should go. I need to be alone right now.  
  
Joey: I'm really sorry.  
  
Rachel: You should be. Leave. [Joey leaves]  
  
Monica: C'mon Rachel. Let's talk about this. I mean, it's my brother... and you, my best friend.  
  
Rachel: I can't talk. I can't even think right now. I mean... I'll speak to you later... oh my... can they give me some more drugs.  
  
Monica: Bye Rach. [leaves].  
  
[Scene: Hospital Security office. Ross is sitting there, in cuffs. Monica, Chandler and Joey enter.]  
  
Security Officer: So this man, Mr. Geller, he tried entering the room of a new mother... and claimed to be the father of her baby.  
  
Monica: Yes, he is.  
  
Security Officer: Well, from what we understand, the father is this man, Mr. Tribbiani.  
  
Joey: No, sir. It's Ross.  
  
Security Officer: Ok. Ross, you can leave. Chandler: Nice job trying to dodge the guard. I mean, you couldn't do it in college... and you thought you could do it here? Heh.  
  
Joey: No hard feelings, Ross.  
  
Ross: What? I don't want to talk to you right now.  
  
Monica: Popular consensus by the parents.  
  
Chandler: Ross... Joey broke the engagement with Rachel. You can propose to her whenever you'd like.  
  
Joey: Yeah, if she'll speak to ya.  
  
Chandler: Joey, shut up. Ross, just go talk to her... and may I suggest during visiting hours?  
  
[Next day... Monica and Chandler's apartment. It has been decorated with streamers & all... and a big banner saying "Welcome Home Rachel and Emma". The gang minus Monica and Rachel are present.]  
  
Phoebe: This dip is really good. [spills some on the couch]  
  
Chandler: Oh my God! Monica's going to kill you! Wipe that up right now. Oh God Oh God.  
  
Ross: I think that's what I should be saying right now. I'm the one having to propose.  
  
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler. You've had your chance.  
  
Ross: To Rachel! Monica's my SISTER!  
  
Phoebe: I know. I was talking about proposals in general. [goes back to eating dip]  
  
Joey: They're coming... let's all hide.  
  
[door opens before anyone can move]  
  
Rachel: Monica, I still don't understand why I can't go straight ho...  
  
All: Surprise.  
  
Rachel: Wow! You guys did this for me?  
  
Phoebe: Yeah. Well... it was mostly Mon... so if you get sick from the food, don't blame me! [Monica shoots her a look] not that you will.  
  
Rachel: Thanks you guys. [Goes over to hug them... Ross just stands there quietly] Ross: Rachel, can you come with me for a moment.  
  
Rachel: Umm... okay. Just let me get some grub. I tell ya, that hospital food is gross.  
  
Joey: Hey, I like it!  
  
Chandler: Coming from the man that will eat duck food.  
  
[Ross walks Rachel into her old bedroom, which has a bed, the Ms. Pacman machine... and about a million candles]  
  
Ross: Rachel, I've known you, loved you... since ninth grade. I mean, we've been through it all... romance, heartbreak, and now the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Rachel [gets down on one knee] will you marry me?  
  
Rachel: Oh my. [Sits down on bed] I can't believe this is happening to me. I mean, two proposals in two days. Man, Ross, this is like you and divorces! [Pause] I've loved you too. Even when we weren't together, I never stopped loving you. And I think we can make it work. Sure, I'll marry you!  
  
[Ross puts ring on her finger and they kiss.]  
  
Rachel: and the ring is mine again!  
  
[Closing credits]  
  
[Ross and Rachel walk out of the bedroom... and the rest of the gang, who had been by the window, listening, falls in]  
  
Ross: We're engaged!  
  
Chandler: We figured.  
  
Joey: Y'know... now you guys know how it feels to be the ones INSIDE the room.  
  
[END] 


	2. The One With All the Planning

Thanks to all of you who responded... I really appreciate it. This is the second episode... but just a ***DISCLAIMER*** which I forgot to put on my last fanfic...  
  
I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS  
  
And I realize that some of what I wrote in episode 1 is not the most believable & that it takes time for people to change their minds & stuff... but please remember, this is only a fanfic. Enjoy!  
  
THE ONE WITH ALL THE PLANNING  
  
[Chandler & Monica's bedroom. Monica is in bed & it looks like she's sleeping. Chandler is sitting awake in bed.]  
  
Chandler: Monica, you do look beautiful tonight.  
  
Monica: I'm wearing your old Knicks shirt and my hair's a mess.  
  
Chandler: Still, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.  
  
Monica: I'm tired. And you've used that line before.  
  
Chandler: So, Mon, ya wanna increase the probability of having a baby?  
  
Monica: For all I know I may be pregnant right now... the test won't be accurate for another couple of weeks. Goodnight, Chandler.  
  
Chandler: Geez... what does it take for me to get lucky around here?  
  
Monica: Definitely not saying that. (Goes back to sleep)  
  
[OPENING CREDITS]  
  
[Morning @ Monica and Chandler's. The gang is eating breakfast.]  
  
Chandler: (to Ross & Rachel) So, have you two made any wedding arrangements yet?  
  
Ross: Nah, not really... I haven't even told my folks yet.  
  
Rachel: You haven't?  
  
Ross: Have you told yours?  
  
Rachel: No... but, well, your parents will be ecstatic when they hear we're getting married.  
  
Monica: Yes, their medical miracle is walking down the aisle yet again.  
  
Joey: Be careful though, Ross... I hear that divorces are like tattoos... once you get one, you don't want to stop.  
  
Ross: Haha. Anyways, Rach, your dad hates me!  
  
Rachel: No he doesn't. And remember... he wants you to marry me. He thinks that you think that I'm damaged now that I've had a baby.  
  
Ross: Okay. So I'll call my parents, and you call yours.  
  
Phoebe: Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! I have an announcement to make! As the maid-of- honor of Rachel...  
  
Monica: [interrupting] since when are you maid-of-honor?  
  
Phoebe: Well, when you were getting married, we said that Rachel would be your maid-of-honor, I'd be Rachel's, and you'd be mine.  
  
Monica: Oh, yeah, great...  
  
Phoebe: Anyways, I got the something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue!  
  
Ross: Y'know Pheebs, we're not getting married for another nine months. I mean, we don't even have a guest list yet.  
  
Phoebe: So, Rach, ya wanna see what I gotcha?  
  
Rachel: Okay.  
  
[Phoebe pulls out a large bag.]  
  
Phoebe: Okay, well, for my something old... (pulls out an old sandwich... the gang starts making faces)... Joey's old sandwich  
  
Joey: Geez... I was looking for that (takes it from Phoebe & begins eating it)  
  
Phoebe: My something new... are these shoes I found the other week (pulls out some tacky platforms)... something borrowed (takes out her fur coat)....and something blue (takes out one of those costume blue wigs).  
  
Rachel: Well... thanks Phoebs... but I think the four things are supposed to be somewhat subtle. Maybe Monica will help you pick some things out.  
  
Monica: No, I think it's really the Maid of Honor's responsibility.  
  
Phoebe: Really, Mon, I'd love you to help me! Really, we can go, do some shopping, maybe even have lunch, make a day of it!  
  
Monica: Actually, I'm going to lunch with Chandler. (looks at Chandler) Right?  
  
Chandler: Well... actually... ok, fine, we'll go.  
  
Joey: Man, you're whipped.  
  
[Commercial]  
  
[Next day... Ross & Rachel are at the front steps of the Geller home]  
  
Ross: Are you sure you're ready for me to break the news?  
  
Rachel: No time like the present.  
  
[Ross knocks and Judy Geller answers the door]  
  
Judy: Ross! What a pleasant surprise. And Rachel! [To Ross] Thanks for listening to me, hun.  
  
Rachel: What?  
  
Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, nothing.  
  
Judy: Jack! Guess who's here?  
  
Jack: If it isn't Derek Jeter himself, tell whomever it is that I'm busy.  
  
Ross: Hi Dad!  
  
Jack: (getting up) Oh, hi son! Sorry about that, but the game's on, y'know. So, how are things going with the baby and all?  
  
Ross: Great. Can we come in?  
  
Jack: Yeah, of course. (they all go in and sit in the living room)  
  
Ross: So, (holding Rachel's hand) I came here to tell you, that, well...  
  
Rachel: (interrupting) Ross & I are getting married!  
  
Jack: Why, that's great! How much do you need a check for?  
  
Rachel: Well, actually...  
  
Ross: Oh, whatever. We haven't even picked out a hall yet.  
  
Rachel: (to Ross) Monica's going to kill you.  
  
Ross: Anyways, we just wanted to let you know. So, um, we'll talk to you later.  
  
Judy: You're leaving already?  
  
Ross: We gotta go tell Rachel's parents the big news.  
  
Judy: Okay. Well, best of luck to you two.  
  
Ross & Rachel: Thanks! Bye!  
  
[Scene: Monica & Chandler's. Phoebe enters the room]  
  
Phoebe: Mon! I'm going to go pick out some new stuff for Rachel. You sure you don't want to come?  
  
Monica: Yes, Pheebs, I'm sure.  
  
Phoebe: You're aura's all foggy. What's the matter?  
  
Monica: Nothing.  
  
Phoebe: I know something's the matter. Now spill it.  
  
Monica: I'm fine.  
  
Phoebe: If you don't spill it, I'm going to kick your ass!  
  
Monica: Yeah right you could?  
  
Phoebe: Well, maybe if you tell me what's been bothering you, then we can work it out?  
  
Monica: I don't know. I should be happy because my best friend and my brother are getting married. But I'm like all out of the loop. I'm not the maid of honor or anything.  
  
Phoebe: So this is all about me being the maid of honor? Geez, Mon, if it means so much to you...  
  
Monica: Oh, thank you, thank you.  
  
Phoebe: Oh God, I'm a pushover! And I always thought that it was Rachel who was one.  
  
Monica: (seeing that Phoebe's disappointed) Pheebs, you be maid of honor. Really. Maybe they'll let me cook for the rehearsal dinner or something.  
  
Phoebe: Thanks, Mon. And I'll put in a good word for you... as long as you tell them that I should provide the music.  
  
Monica: Y'know what, Pheebs... I think I can convince them myself.  
  
[Ross and Rachel come in... in the same sort of fashion as "The One w/the Morning After", except this time it's Rachel following Ross]  
  
Ross: Did you expect your dad to be happy we're getting married? He hates me.  
  
Rachel: No he doesn't! I just didn't expect that kind of reaction.  
  
Ross: Whatever... hopefully your mom will take it better. [sits down in a huff]  
  
Rachel: She loves you, Ross.  
  
Ross: And that's what you said about your dad. So what should I believe now?  
  
Rachel: Look, I'll call her right now. [Dials the number]. Mom?  
  
Mrs. Greene: Rachel, darling! How nice it is for you to finally call me. So, how's Emma. I want to see her. After all, I finally have a granddaughter to spoil.  
  
Rachel: She's doing great. But that's not the reason we called.  
  
Ross: [to Monica] Where's Emma?  
  
Monica: Chandler and Joey are watching her.  
  
Ross: Oh God! [Runs out of the apartment]  
  
Mrs. Greene: Who's we?  
  
Rachel: Um... mom... me & Ross... we're getting married!  
  
Mrs. Greene: That's just great. I love that boy. I always knew you two would be together.  
  
Rachel: So, you're okay with it?  
  
Mrs. Greene: Okay? I'm thrilled!  
  
Rachel: Great. But mom, you don't seem too shocked.  
  
Mrs. Greene: Well, when your ex-husband calls you yelling about his daughter getting married... I guess it's best for one person to remain calm.  
  
Rachel: Thanks mom. Ross, honey? [No Response] Ross, Ross?  
  
Monica: He just ran out... once he found out that Chandler and Joey were watching Em.  
  
Rachel: Are you kidding? They're like the two most irresponsible guys in the world! Don't you remember them leaving Ben on the bus? Oh, I'm sorry... you know, your husband is great and all... I'm sure he'll be responsible when he has a kid to deal with.  
  
Monica: Yep.  
  
[Ross enters holding Emma up]  
  
Ross: The baby has arrived! Safe... but... smelly.  
  
[Commercial]  
  
[A couple of days later... Central Perk... they're all there (including Emma)]  
  
Ross: So, we're getting married February 17... at the Plaza, courtesy of Mr. Greene... and Amuse Bouche is catering.  
  
Joey: Wow... you're so organized. Now I can see that you & Mon are related.  
  
Monica: So, Ross, I was, um, thinking... how about I cook for the rehearsal dinner.  
  
Rachel: But, sweetie, I think you'll be rather busy to cook. After all, your brother's getting married.  
  
Monica: I wasn't busy before London.  
  
Joey: But you sure were after!  
  
Ross: Well, Mon, you know how much I love your cooking, but the caterer includes the rehearsal dinner in the cost. So, maybe some other time.  
  
Monica: Yeah, maybe for your fifth wedding.  
  
Ross: Mon!  
  
Monica: Well, I gotta go. See you.  
  
[Monica exits]  
  
Rachel: (to Chandler) What's wrong with her, Chan?  
  
Chandler: Beats me.  
  
Phoebe: Oh, I know, I know!  
  
Ross: Another fortune from our in-house psychic.  
  
Phoebe: Actually, I know because she talked to me. She's upsed because she's not the maid of honor... and so she wanted to cook for you guys at the rehearsal dinner, but now you turned her down and she feels like she's an outsider.  
  
Rachel: Oh. I never knew that. Geez, I wish there was something we could do.  
  
Chandler: Yeah, I mean, I'm living with this woman. (everyone looks at Chandler) I mean, I love Monica and I don't want her to be sad.  
  
Joey: Quick save, man.  
  
[Commercials]  
  
[Knock on M&C's apartment door. Monica answers it to find Phoebe.]  
  
Phoebe: Hey, look, I hope you're feeling better.  
  
Monica: I'm fine. Really.  
  
Phoebe: Well, you sure don't look it. Anyways, I talked to Ross and Rachel, and we decided that maybe you could be co-Maid of Honor with me.  
  
Monica: Really?  
  
Phoebe: Yeah. Just as long as you don't steal my thunder.  
  
Monica: What thunder?  
  
Phoebe: I'm going to pick up a hot dude at their wedding.  
  
Monica: (giggling) Oh really. Well, Pheebs, I won't steal your thunder.  
  
Phoebe: Okay. And thanks for saying yes. I really needed help with finding something blue. Especially after Rachel refused to dye her hair.  
  
[End Credits]  
  
Yeah, this one's kinda weak... I'll make the next one better... so don't be too harsh! 


	3. The One With the Pumpkin Costume

Hey... thanks y'all for the reviews... well, here's my 3rd one... and for the disclaimer  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Blah, blah, blah. This is not for profit. Blah, blah, blah. Enjoy.  
  
THE ONE WITH THE PUMPKIN COSTUME  
  
  
  
[Central Perk. Rachel's holding Emma while Monica, Chandler & Phoebe are drinking coffee.]  
  
Rachel: Geez... Emma's been growing out of these clothes like crazy. I mean, you'd think that they'd make baby clothes out of spandex to save us some money.  
  
Chandler: Because clothing companies just LOVE people buying less of their clothes.  
  
Rachel: Well, I need to get Em some more stuff. Hey, Pheebs, Mon, you wanna come shopping with me? I think there's a sale at Macy's.  
  
Phoebe: I boycotted Macy's when they wouldn't let me ring the bell outside their store.  
  
Monica: It wasn't Macy's who wouldn't let you... it was those Salvation Army folks.  
  
Phoebe: Okay, well, I'm boycotting the Salvation Army.  
  
Rachel: Then Macy's it is.  
  
[Opening Credits]  
  
[Joey's Apartment. Joey & Chandler are present.]  
  
Joey: So, Chandler, when you're married, does it feel different?  
  
Chandler: Yeah, all of a sudden, you get all these girly impulses and you start wearing dresses. Oh wait, that's just my father.  
  
Joey: Really.  
  
Chandler: I don't know. Why, Joey? I mean, you're not even seeing anyone right now.  
  
Joey: Y'see, I really like this girl at work, Grace. But I don't know how to get her to like me. You'd think with eight sister's that I'd be quite a ladies man.  
  
Chandler: Wait, you're NOT a ladies man? I mean, how many chicks have you picked up with the [mimicking Joey] "How you doin'"?  
  
Joey: Fifty-seven, but who's counting? Anyways... really, what do girls like?  
  
Chandler: Now that you've considered me an "expert"... wow, I really feel like we're flipping roles... but, um, just don't cheat on her.  
  
Joey: You mean you've never cheated on Mon? [Chandler gives him the look of death.] Man, marriage must suck!  
  
[Macy's. Rachel and Phoebe are looking at clothes in the baby section.]  
  
Phoebe: [picking up a "pumpkin" outfit] Ooh! Ooh! This is cute! Get this! Get this!  
  
Rachel: Pheebs, I think that a Halloween costume.  
  
Phoebe: I never had a Halloween costume. My mom was too busy writing her suicide letter to take me to get a costume.  
  
Rachel: [picking up a crawler] How about this one?  
  
Phoebe: Isn't that a baby costume?  
  
Rachel: No... Emma IS a baby.  
  
[Monica comes up to them with a bag in her hand.]  
  
Phoebe: Mon, what did you buy?  
  
Monica: Oh, nothing.  
  
Rachel: Show me! Show me!  
  
Monica: Nah, that's okay.  
  
Phoebe: Oh, c'mon. [Rachel snatches the bag out of Monica's hand.]  
  
Rachel: Maternity clothes? Y'know, I can wear REGULAR clothes now.  
  
Monica: I got maternity clothes? Oh, my! I was wondering why everything had elastic waistbands. [Quickly takes the bag and leaves. Rachel and Phoebe just brush it off.]  
  
Rachel: So, where were we now?  
  
Phoebe: You just decided that Emma's going to be a pumpkin, not a baby.  
  
[Commercial break.]  
  
[Set for Days of our Lives. Joey approaches a blonde-haired lady who is putting makeup on one of the other actors.]  
  
Joey: Hey Grace.  
  
Grace: Hi Joey. What brings you to the woman's dressing room? [Joey does a double take] Just kidding! You guys fall for it every time.  
  
Joey: So, I wanted to know... are you free Friday night?  
  
Grace: Well, you guys are shooting then, so I think I'll be applying your makeup.  
  
Joey: Oh yeah, well how about Saturday night?  
  
Grace: Um, sure. How about at seven?  
  
Joey: Seven it is. [Leaves] Chandler is god! [realizes what he just said] I never said that.  
  
[Chandler and Monica's. Chandler's sitting on the couch reading the paper. Ross is holding Emma, feeding her a bottle. Phoebe and Rachel enter carrying bags.]  
  
Ross: Hey, you.  
  
Rachel: Hey. Look at all the clothes I got for Emma! There was the greatest sale at Macy's.  
  
Phoebe: Oooh! Oooh! And look what I got! [Pulls out the Pumpkin costume] Isn't it great?  
  
Ross: I think that Emma will have outgrown it by Halloween.  
  
Phoebe: So then let's have a Halloween party here. You know, we can all dress up and take pictures and stuff.  
  
Chandler: If I do remember correctly, some people have been scarred from the last Halloween party.  
  
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry if that bunny costume added to your "quality".  
  
Chandler: Wow! We have our own Mr. Hanky right here!  
  
[I hate to interrupt, but y'all know that Mr. Hanky's the talking Christmas poop from South Park, right?] [Joey enters the door.]  
  
Ross: I was Spudnik.  
  
Joey: And I'm the Queen of England.  
  
Chandler: [sarcastically] You're not?  
  
Joey: No. But I did meet the Duchess of York once.  
  
Chandler: We know.  
  
Joey: Anyways, I got the date! I'm going out with Grace tomorrow.  
  
Chandler: That's awesome! I gave some good advice for once! [Chandler gets up and does his happy dance. Everyone just stares at him.] Okay, that dance is really getting old.  
  
[Monica enters the apartment and makes a beeline to the bathroom.]  
  
Joey: What's wrong with her? Give her some bad advice, Chandler? [Chandler makes a face.]  
  
Phoebe: She was acting kinda strange today.  
  
Rachel: And then we just lost her...  
  
Joey: She must be hiding something from us.  
  
Rachel: Monica never keeps any secrets from me... [everyone except Chandler looks at her.] Oh, wait... London, Chandler... she's keeping a secret! [Runs to the bathroom.] Monica! Monica! Open up!  
  
[See Monica in the bathroom holding a used pregnancy test and trying to find a place to put it.]  
  
Monica: One second. [She eventually just gives up and sticks it in her purse, making a disgusted face as she does it. She then opens the door.] Sorry, I just really had to pee.  
  
Rachel: Oh, is that so? Because I didn't hear the toilet flush.  
  
Monica: Our toilet is really quiet.  
  
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Are you hiding something from me?  
  
Monica: [Uncomfortably] No... I'm not hiding anything from you... why would you think that?  
  
Rachel: Omigod, you're pregnant!  
  
Monica: No I'm not.  
  
Rachel: [Thinks for a second.] Yeah, that's unlikely. Can you imagine Chandler as a father? [Monica gives her a dirty look.] That was definitely something I shouldn't have said out loud... So... what's the secret. Oooh, Oooh! You're cheating on Chandler!  
  
Monica: Why do you think I'm keeping a secret about Chandler and me?  
  
Rachel: Because the only secret you ever kept from me pertained to the two of you. Well, I've gotta go back... I think Emma needs a nap. But I've got my eyes on you. Monica: Okay, then. [Both exit the bathroom].  
  
Chandler: Hey, honey.  
  
Monica: [goes over and kisses him] Hey. How was your day?  
  
Rachel: [to herself] Yep, there's definitely something going on between them.  
  
[Commercial.]  
  
[Carmine's (Italian Restaurant in NYC). Joey and Grace are sitting down.]  
  
Grace: So, I hear the portions here are huge... they can feed four people. Or, by the way that you eat, you'll only need to two of them.  
  
Joey: So, how you doin'? [Starts feeling embarrassed and hits himself.]  
  
Grace: I'm fine. You?  
  
Joey: How you doin'? [Hits himself again.]  
  
Grace: I said I was fine.  
  
Joey: How you doin'? [Is really embarrassed but can't stop saying it.]  
  
Grace: Joey... you're really starting to creep me out...  
  
Joey: How you doin'?  
  
Grace: [looks at her watch] Y'know what... I'm running... I have to... I'll see you later Joey. [leaves.]  
  
Joey: Chandler is so not God!  
  
[Chandler and Monica's bedroom. Chandler enters and sees Monica standing in lacy lingerie.]  
  
Chandler: Wow, Mon, you look beautiful. I can say that this time, right?  
  
Monica: Yeah. [Chandler starts kissing her and bringing her to the bed. Just as things start to heat up, Monica pulls back.] Chandler, I have to talk to you for a second.  
  
Chandler: Not now.  
  
Monica: Yes, now. [Both sit at the side of the bed.]  
  
Chandler: What's up?  
  
Monica: Um... I... I... Chandler: [jokingly] You're cheating on me with Richard.  
  
Monica: No, of course not... I'm... Chandler... we're having a baby!  
  
Chandler: We're what?  
  
Monica: I'm pregnant! [A smile breaks out across both Monica and Chandler's faces.]  
  
Chandler: I'm going to be a daddy! Woo-hoo! [Starts running out of the bedroom and Monica follows.]  
  
[Ross and Rachel's apartment. They are by the window. Rachel then looks out the window.]  
  
Rachel: Wow, something happy just happened to Chandler and Monica.  
  
Ross: (Looking out the window at Chandler and Monica jumping up and down) Yeah... Ewww... My sister really needs to put on more clothes!  
  
[End Credits.]  
  
[Carmine's. Joey's still sitting at his table, with two huge plates of spaghetti in front of him. Grace is long gone.]  
  
Joey: [to the pasta] So... how you doin'. [Pause.] I really have to stop this. 


	4. The One Where They Tell...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters... yada yada yada.  
  
This is more of a C+M episode, since we all know that they're the greatest. And it's not that funny. But please review this & the other 3 episodes... b/c I love your feedback! Thanks.  
  
  
  
THE ONE WHERE THEY TELL...  
  
[Monica & Chandler's. The two of them are sitting on a couch.]  
  
Chandler: I can't believe I'm going to be a daddy!  
  
Monica: I know!  
  
Chandler: So, you think we should tell them? [Monica gives him a confused look] Y'know, the gang.  
  
Monica: Yeah, I mean, they'll know sooner or later.  
  
Chandler: I wonder what they'll say...  
  
[OPENING CREDITS]  
  
Monica: I mean, they've thought that I was pregnant before, so I doubt it would be such a surprise.  
  
Chandler: Yeah... I remember that...  
  
[Flashback to The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel (Season 6), when Chandler & Monica are telling their friends that they're moving in together...]  
  
[Monica & Rachel's Place. Chandler, Monica and Joey are there.]  
  
Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.  
  
Joey: Oh my God! You're pregnant!  
  
[later that day... Central Perk. Phoebe's on the couch while Monica enters.]  
  
Monica: Hey Pheebs!  
  
Phoebe: Hey!  
  
Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?  
  
Phoebe: No, why?  
  
Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!  
  
Phoebe: (gasps) You're pregnant!  
  
Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!  
  
Phoebe: Ooh! That's good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe.  
  
[Even later that day... Monica & Rachel's. The two of them are there]  
  
Monica: Rach, there's something uh, important I have to tell you.  
  
Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!  
  
Monica: No! But, I'm throwing this shirt away!  
  
[Back to present.]  
  
Chandler: Can you believe that they thought you were having a baby?  
  
Monica: Um, I am having a baby.  
  
Chandler: Now you are. By the way, did you ever throw that shirt out?  
  
Monica: No, why?  
  
Chandler: I think you should wear it today when you tell them.  
  
Monica: Actually, that wasn't exactly the time I was thinking of.  
  
Chandler: Then what was?  
  
[Flashback to The One With Chandler & Monica's Wedding (Season 7 Finale)]  
  
[Phoebe & Rachel are in Monica's bathroom. Phoebe's sitting on the toilet looking through the garbage for tissues.]  
  
Phoebe: Oh here's a whole bunch.  
  
Rachel: Oh, I mean she's gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y'know? Then she'll have to come back here and live all alone.  
  
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!  
  
Rachel: What?  
  
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it's positive. Monica's pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won't be totally alone.  
  
Rachel: Oh my God!  
  
Phoebe: I know! Monica's gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?  
  
Rachel: Oh my God!  
  
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?  
  
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.  
  
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I'm still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)  
  
[The next day in the hotel. Chandler's smoking a cigarette & hears Phoebe & Rachel coming... runs into the Ice room.]  
  
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you're overreacting! You do that y'know.  
  
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y'know. I mean there's no way Joey's gonna make it in time. So I'm gonna go through the hotel and see if there's any other weddings going on.  
  
Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don't tell them Monica's pregnant because they frown on that.  
  
Rachel: Okay.  
  
Phoebe: Okay.  
  
(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he's so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)  
  
(Later... in the hallway. Ross & Phoebe have found Chandler.)  
  
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!  
  
Chandler: I know about Monica.  
  
Phoebe: You know?!  
  
Ross: What?  
  
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.  
  
Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!  
  
Chandler: You don't know?  
  
Ross: Know what-If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on right now. Phoebe: What? You'll hi-ya?  
  
Chandler: Monica's pregnant.  
  
Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God!  
  
[Wedding after the vows. Monica & Chandler kiss.]  
  
Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.  
  
Monica: What baby?  
  
Chandler: Our baby.  
  
Monica: We have a baby?  
  
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.  
  
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.  
  
Chandler: Then.who did?  
  
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]  
  
Phoebe: Oh and they're gonna have a baby.  
  
Rachel: Uh-huh.  
  
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)  
  
[End Flashback.]  
  
[Commercial.]  
  
Monica: I can't believe you thought I was pregnant.  
  
Chandler: I can't believe I pulled so many Chandlers that day.  
  
Monica: Okay, now we gotta tell them.  
  
[As they get up, the rest of the gang comes in.]  
  
Rachel: What? What? What?  
  
Chandler: Huh?  
  
Phoebe: What are you going to tell us?  
  
Monica: Why don't you all sit down.  
  
Rachel: Omigod! You're getting divorced!  
  
Chandler: They're always one step ahead of the game. [Recieves an icy glare from Monica.] No... actually...  
  
Monica: WE'RE HAVING A BABY!  
  
Ross: Oh... oh... that's awesome!  
  
Monica: I KNOW!  
  
Chandler: Monica, we don't want everyone hear to go deaf.  
  
Monica: Anyways, the sonogram's on Monday. So we can have a movie night that evening... y'know, watch the sonogram, eat some food.  
  
Joey: There's food? Oh, I'm there.  
  
Rachel: I can bring over Candy & Cookie?  
  
Monica: Uh... NO!  
  
Ross: My little sister! Ooooh! I have to go call Mom & Dad! [Exits. Rachel follows after him.]  
  
Joey: I'm hungry... see ya, guys. [Leaves.]  
  
Phoebe: I think I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone. Adios. [Exits.]  
  
Chandler: You see, it wasn't that hard.  
  
[End Credits.]  
  
[Flashback to The One With the Birth (Season 1).]  
  
(Hospital. A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)  
  
Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.  
  
Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?  
  
Chandler: You'll get one.  
  
Monica: Oh yeah? When?  
  
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?  
  
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?  
  
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.  
  
Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?  
  
Chandler: No, no, no.  
  
Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?  
  
Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.  
  
Monica: Well?  
  
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)  
  
[End.]  
  
*Thanks to The Complete Friends Script Index (www.thecfsi.com) for all the Flashback material* 


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